Friday at Home

-

     It's 9:38 PM. I've worked out. Turkey bacon is in the oven and I'm going to make the usual egg sandwich with Sirrhacha mayonnaise x2 before I actually settle down for the night. It took a lot out of me to get on the stationary bike, but it helped to read Clare Pooley's The Sober Diaries while peddling away. Time doesn't go by any faster than when I'm working on a piece of art or I am reading. I burned 350 calories, not bad for not even wanting to exercise in the least bit tonight.

    I bought some acrylic paint pens that I shouldn't have off of Amazon in order to be able to wip up some quick artwork to display at my friend's new coffee shop that is supposed to open in the next coming week. It would be nice to sell some art and feel accomplished. I need to work much faster but I get so caught up in each piece, I need to learn how to loosen my grip just a bit. In everything really.

    I made myself tidy up the house (truly it wasn't even cleaning, just rearranging the disorganization in a way that it appeared organized in the slightest). M has been asleep on the couch since I came home. I snapped at him because the living room smelled like cigarettes and I could smell his feet from the dining room. He looked offended, upset, and resigned. Not surprised. 

    I'm an asshole, he's not present, we're both tired and our relationship is failing.

    I have one Whiteclaw left in the fridge. Normally I would have been out last night. So this is progress- even if just the smallest progress. Tomorrow is the day when I begin sobriety. Like Clare I feel hesitation, fear of losing a friend, my reason to unwind and relax after a difficult day. And life has been so difficult lately. For reasons I can't even begin to touch on right now. But that's what has put me here right?

    If life did not present it's recent challenges- I wouldn't have finally stared into the deep, pulsing internal light of myself. I feel like in the past decade I've only giving it fleeting glances. I have been to scared to reach my full potential. So I dull myself, make things more "manageable" when in reality I'm just holding myself back. Every. Single. Day. Like the saying goes "Every drink today just borrows from tomorrow's happiness." 

    I want to be happy. I want to grow. I know this won't be easy but life is worth it. And so am I.

   

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CBT Week Two

-
 Observations and feelings about recent activities  -I have "slept" 8 hours a day but spent at least three hours of this time not actually sleeping but restlessly eating or waking up frequently -I did not go to bed at a proper time (even though I didn't have to work) because I was either eating, watching a show, or on my phone -Dinner time is rarely enjoyable for me when it should be the opposite -Mornings are usually spent in a panic or depression because I have slept in too late and I feel guilty as a mother -The times during the day I spend with Stella could be spent in a more mutually satisfying way for bother her and I by getting out of the house and experiencing things -None of my times were documented for meals I obviously need to focus on a routine that maximizes enjoyment and minimizes the time I spend beating myself up for missing out on opportunities, or feeling exhausted from lack of focus on enjoyment. I need to develop a better relationship with food and lea...
Read more

Made It Home in Time for Cuddles

-
Image
  I worked at the hospital today and it was a good day. I spent much needed time with my mom on lunch and made her laugh until she cried from laughing a handful of times- which felt really good. And she was pampered with a lash lift and tint. It was a really good day actually because of the time with my mom and the interactions I had with everyone at the other location. It's funny how you can adopt such a twisted view of someone from a distance and start thinking vicious things about them when in all reality- you're just the same and they're good people. It was refreshing and good for my soul. While I was in my car in the parking lot of the hospital I called M and had him keep Sweet One awake in time for me to see her before bedtime. I'm elated that I did see her. Her sweet little body ran to me as soon as I came in the back door and when I bent down to hug her she gave me her slow moving sincere embrace around my neck. This hug turned into me scooping her up and laying...
Read more

Sober on Election Day for Fuck's Sake

-
 I'm on day 11 of sobriety. The longest I've went in 2020 without drinking.  Oh, and it's Election Day. I'm glad I'm not drinking. Drinking me would: 1. Have arrived home from work, not cleaned, not exercised and began guzzling because everyone else I know is "drinking about it." That "it" being- the fact that our country is a monstrous mess and jokes about a coming civil war are being lightly thrown around which I quite frankly find- not fucking funny. 2. On my second hard seltzer or glass of wine I would have felt properly loosened up and cracked my knuckles before diving into the dreaded social-media sphere. Potentially looking for arguments but mostly writing embarrassingly preachy thoughts openly as though myself (a completely alcohol-dependent mother) would have supreme wisdom to offer my friends on facebook.  3. I would be pretty drunk about right now. And then tomorrow- I would feel like shit and start working on a to-do list of things I ...
Read more