i'll show myself out, thanks

 Ok, so I'm on 16 (basically 17) days sober now. Over halfway through a whole month of no drinking. I'm extremely proud of myself and also extremely driven to better myself in all areas that need improvement (it's a lot).  Villanelle has been pestering me frequently at night time now- mostly because I've felt extremely agitated lately, with Mitchell, with myself. I've also felt so indescribably exhausted  constantly on my days off. I accidentally slept in today? Villanelle keeps nagging saying "see? Going sober didn't even improve anything about your life- instead it just made you more tired ." I also have been eating lots of sugar at night (I knew this was coming because this happened to me the last time I stopped drinking for an extended period of time- which was four years ago or more). Granted its extremely low-cal pints of "ice cream" but still- my diet isn't making me feel wonderful about myself lately. Now that I'm sober I see ...

  I worked at the hospital today and it was a good day. I spent much needed time with my mom on lunch and made her laugh until she cried from laughing a handful of times- which felt really good. And she was pampered with a lash lift and tint. It was a really good day actually because of the time with my mom and the interactions I had with everyone at the other location. It's funny how you can adopt such a twisted view of someone from a distance and start thinking vicious things about them when in all reality- you're just the same and they're good people. It was refreshing and good for my soul. While I was in my car in the parking lot of the hospital I called M and had him keep Sweet One awake in time for me to see her before bedtime. I'm elated that I did see her. Her sweet little body ran to me as soon as I came in the back door and when I bent down to hug her she gave me her slow moving sincere embrace around my neck. This hug turned into me scooping her up and laying...

1. This is newly discovered: my RHR has ALREADY lowered. I am currently working out and when I strapped on my HR monitor and laid down to check my resting pulse it was at 70. It usually sits at around 85 when I’m, um- not sober. 2. I have regained focus on the things I am striving to achieve in my life. A few of these being- health, weight loss, budgeting, school and over-all stellar work ethic. 3. I am able to process situations and triggers for anxiety and think them through. Think about what is in my scope of control, what I can do about it, how I can deal with these feelings in the future.  4. I feel more attractive. I’m drinking more water and I am much more in tune with my body instead of ignoring its needs I’m honoring them. 5. I have got better sleep than I have in quite some time and I look FORWARD to sleeping. I also don’t sleep eat as often and I’m eating healthier.

            Yesterday was my first day sober in months .     Believe it or not- I didn't fight some seemingly-impossible internal battle with my demons last night to not crack open a drink. Firstly, there wasn't anything in my refrigerator besides M's horrifically sugary "hard lemonade"-which I didn't bat an eyelid at oddly enough. I ate dinner, took melatonin, then snuggled in our bed after re-arranging our bedroom a bit. It also probably helped that our bedroom is actually turning into a room I enjoy and thus doesn't cause anxiety (in other words, a strong urge to guzzle booze).       I've been little by little working at our bedroom in order for it to become more aesthetically pleasing and cozy- it's such a small space so I've been trying to create the "illusion" of more space. It is a task, only truly a task that would be made more possible if we demolished the entire back end of our house and hired a construction crew...