Thursday 10.22.2020 Not the Best

    Well, today only truly started to go badly at the end of the day. 

    I drank caffeine (an expensive drink from Starbucks that I shouldn't have bought) and took Excedrin Migraine. All of this on top of my medication- I did this intentionally because I felt so physically and mentally exhausted. I never drink caffeine anymore because I always knew it would make me feel this way- paired with my ADD medication. My day was going just ok, I mean, my workplace is always stressful and not worth mentioning in detail at this moment in time. That's not why I'm here. But I found myself talking to my favorite co-worker again and let my mouth run on and on and talk and talk AT her so much so that I feel repulsive.

    Not only because of my poor conversational manners (which normally I am fully conscious of unless I'm drinking or anxious as fuck) but because I was giving her personal insight into my real self. 

    I don't like this feeling. I don't know if I ever really have but I've only started recently noticing this after finding myself recently beached on an isolated motherhood island. Motherhood amidst a global fucking pandemic, mind you.  

    The island was somewhat distant- a dark inky speck in the ocean when I was pregnant. 

    Friends expressed their excitement for M and I at length acting as if they would be AS THRILLED if they found out they themselves were unexpectedly pregnant. They wouldn't have been. They didn't know how to act towards me- almost immediately. That was obvious. It was obvious they felt a mix of pity and awkwardness and quickly dove out of my pathway when seeing me approach- usually they were ordering shots at the bar or lighting a cigarette in the corner of their mouth. Great, it's the pregnant girl. No fun.

    "Oh-" blowing smoke quickly out of the side of their mouths and sucking down the rest of a watery cocktail "sorry I don't want to smoke around you."

    "It's ok."

    Except it wasn't. And so I got a new job, one that I hardly gave a shit about but knew I had to get (according to my Mom). It had benefits, it was a good organization, she had heard good things about the hiring manager and then I scored an interview to work for a Spa within the hospital. Sure, that sounds fine I guess- but the pay was hideous and sitting on my ass answering phones sounded like a drag. But hey, I'm the one who got knocked up. You don't get to bartend when you get knocked up (unless you're seriously immune to judgement).

    Luckily for me, when you get pregnant at 95 lbs. you actually don't look pregnant for a long time, maybe just a little bloated from ordering in the night before. So I was able to get the job and THEN let the manager who hired me know that "by the way I'll be leaving for at least two months around April-ish, I'm pregnant." It was November. I could see the horrifyingly disappointed betrayal on her pudgy, middle-aged face and it stung- but fuck it. 

    My lone, bobbing raft moves a little closer to the island.

*

    I am completely removed now. Three worlds away from my old life. The only adult life I truly knew- and I still feel scared. Exposed. Alone. I feel like throwing a tantrum and being strong all at once.

    I wasn't ready, but like most good things that happen to a person in life, you never really are ready for them and they are usually utterly terrifying at first. Sometimes these life situations present themselves as the worst possible scenario, until you realize after looking back- you'd probably be dead if they didn't happen. 

    I have my sweet girl.

    The island was looming ahead now. I could smell the decaying seaweed in tangles on the small uncomfortable looking beach- it was inevitable... that's where I was going. And now, here I am. 

     I like the isolation. But I think that is an addiction itself. I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am or what I want (does anyone?) but I’ve never felt so apathetic about this in my life. It’s honestly the worst time for apathy. 

    I once felt this same itchy apathy when I was social- constantly trying to go out, meet up with friends, spend money on worthless cocktails, shots- but never on food. God forbid. I never felt more alone until a close friend who had a severe drinking dependence turned down going out for drinks with me. Two weeks later- she wouldn't do a shot with me. Wait. Where are you going?

    I'm really much better off now- thanks to my sweet girl. I stay home, I'm worried if I see the clock approaching midnight and I haven't washed my face and tucked in bed yet. The prime Zu Witch times I didn't get to bed until 4:30 AM- sometimes later depending on if there were extracirriculars of the powdery, white variety. I also don't obsess as much as I used to about my appearance. But these demons have still lingered; my eating disorder, and most prominently-the Zu Witch is still here- she is nagging me. 

     I need to express at this moment that I need to stop drinking. Not even because of the drinking itself but to prove that I am worth EFFORT. I am worth my own effort- not to be skinny, not to gain approval from others, but to be the best I can be. 

This won’t be a quick process. I had two drinks tonight (last night and the night before I only had one) and I’m already feeling remorse. I’m going to feed myself, shower and lie in bed with sweet M. 

Until tomorrow- better things lie ahead. 
NLD