On the Fourth Day She- Was Just Fine

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To be completely honest- I feel pretty good. Not just “pretty good” but I feel a bit like I’m being roused from a deep and restless slumber. It’s almost like life is shifting back into focus and the edges aren’t so blurred. It’s more of a vignette view now- not necessarily rose-tinted but it’s getting there. 

I’ve always subscribed myself to the melodramatic, nihilistic, self-torturing artist type persona. And yes, that is a PART of who I am, but I continuously surprise myself as each year passes and I fully grow into the person I’m meant to be. I’ve realized within the past couple of years (really since I was pregnant with Sweet One) that I’m not as dark-hearted and misty as I once was. There’s a difference between an aesthetic and a soul- a major difference, how can I subscribe myself to a personality I thought was “edgy” over a decade ago?

Positivity is the new aesthetic for me. Resilience, adaptability, self-confidence, bravery, humor and drive. Sweet one in the nucleus of these radiant feelings that have been propelling me forward. She is the reason why I believe in myself and I believe in my untapped greatness. It’s real. 

Tonight I drew a gorgeous sketch for a friend’s going-away gift in under two hours. I am truly gifted. I am beautiful. I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. 

These aren’t just half-believed affirmations I am rattling off for future reference. I truly believe these things. They are truths. 

I’m genuinely not surprised at my determination and my flip of the switch (I know I possess this remarkable gift of control, I just have to want to prove something to myself enough in order to reach it). So here I am, four days sober. When I’ve basically drank myself into oblivion for the entirety of 2020. Honestly- who could blame anyone, this year has been a fucking shit show garbage fire explosion. 

But I am better than that. I am here to accomplish great things. Now I have given myself the gift to actually reach my full potential. Thank you to me! Thank you. 

Now this isn’t all roses and warm sun on a spring day. I’ve been feeling really irritable lately. But my desire to smoke has disappated astonishingly. My appetite for needless snacking has stopped (fucking finally, maybe I’ll get to my pre-baby weight by the summer) and my drive to do homework has taken full force. My priorities are straightening out. 

I like this sober me. I’m just going to have to learn how to have sex sober- I can’t remember the last time I did that. Maybe I was pregnant? Yikes. 

Well I’m tired. See you tomorrow on DAY FIVE. 
Almost a full week! 

Xoxo 
NLD

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