A Beginning of the Week Re-group

 Ok, so I'm on 16 (basically 17) days sober now. Over halfway through a whole month of no drinking. I'm extremely proud of myself and also extremely driven to better myself in all areas that need improvement (it's a lot). 

Villanelle has been pestering me frequently at night time now- mostly because I've felt extremely agitated lately, with Mitchell, with myself. I've also felt so indescribably exhausted constantly on my days off. I accidentally slept in today? Villanelle keeps nagging saying "see? Going sober didn't even improve anything about your life- instead it just made you more tired."

I also have been eating lots of sugar at night (I knew this was coming because this happened to me the last time I stopped drinking for an extended period of time- which was four years ago or more). Granted its extremely low-cal pints of "ice cream" but still- my diet isn't making me feel wonderful about myself lately. Now that I'm sober I see more clearly the things I need to improve- which is overwhelming and somewhat shocking. My diet being one of those things. 

My eating schedule is appalling (starving myself all day just to feed myself at night) and my actual consumption of nutrients is primarily carbs, fat, sodium, and sugar. This needs major re-working and I truly need to learn how to properly take care of myself for me obviously (because yes, V I deserve it) and for SO, she needs a proper example of how to eat and take care of yourself from her momma. I'm thinking of joining Noom- I need someone to coach me on what I should eat and when. 

I basically need to re-learn how to behave like a human. Not like an anorexic early-twenties something who saves all of her calories for her nighty bender. That's the problem is that the neuro pathways of this toxic behavior have went from small back-woods trails to fucking freeways. That's all I know now. That's the only road I've traveled for basically all of my 20's. Even when I was pregnant I struggled hard to develop a proper eating habit. 

TIME TO CHANGE.

I'm going to do this right this time. That means eating healthy meals throughout the day (so I'm not starving at night) so I have enough energy to stay alert throughout the day and have more energy to exercise properly. This means meal prepping, eating healthier (more raw ingredients rather than processed) and being mindful of what I put in my body. 

That transitions beautifully into my next topic- mindfulness. I'm currently reading a book on the subject and ordered a mindfulness self-compassion journal. More on this later. 

Oh, Joe Biden was elected president. And there is a new vaccine with a 90% success rate that looks as though it will be distributed soon. Despite the rampant case numbers growing and growing I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt since Trump was elected in 2016. Fucking finally.

Now is a time for new beginnings. It's in the air around me, it's in my heart, and it's certainly in my brain. Now is the time for the positive changes I've always deserved but never let myself have.

Back to work I guess. 

Xo 

NLD