Bye Bitch

Day 13 sober. 

I think right now I’ll name the nagging self-destructive voice in my head. When she comes into my head she first shows me pictures, mental pictures of why I’m not worth it. Here are some examples:

• An image of me staring at myself naked in the mirror- stretch marks, sagging belly, freshly picked at skin. She says “you’re not worth a good life and you’ll never be anything you want to, see? just drink about it- getting wasted or doing drugs is an escape from your truly terrible reality you poor thing. You deserve this it’s all you’ve got. You’re repulsive.
• An image of me shuffling around campus, buying cigarettes instead of going to class- reeling off of a drug hangover. Feeling and acting like a massive failure. Obsessing over a boy who doesn’t care about me much. “This is you. This will always be you- all of your accomplishments are fake. You are this failure in the end- this is really who you are.”
• She tells me everything I say is stupid, over revealing, overly self confident. She asks me why I think I have the right to be so confident in those moments. “Why would you say that to her? Why did you make that joke? You’re not actually funny/ people just feel sorry for you.”

I think I’ll call her Villanelle. Perfect. She’s a bully, she’s murderous, she has no feeling and she tears me apart without a second glance- she laughs about it. 

She beats the shit out of me, she reminds me I’m not doing enough, she tells me not to sleep, not to eat, to drink copious amounts of booze and to rely on prescription drugs to exist. She tells me I will only be better if I lose weight. She tells me I’m not worth feeling happy. She tells me that my worst fear for SO should be that she will be like me. 

I’ve spent too fucking long believing her. She’s grown up with me and now she is 28- when I was 12 she was also 12. She tries to tell me that she hasn’t steered me wrong, she tells me the only thing that matters is the way I look physically and what others see. She tells me that their opinions of me are the only opinions who matter. She tells me that the people who already love me are worthless sources of information about myself. 

Fuck you V. I’ve just began starving you. I still hear you but you are starting to lose your power. I’m 28- you’ve spent a lot of time living vicariously through me but now it’s time for you to fuck off. 
Poor you- you wanted to do this until I went to the grave but here I am, youthful, ambitious and already deciding to tell you to fuck off! Not what you expected eh? You don’t get to spend any more time with the people I love. You don’t get to choose what my days look like, what I accomplish, or who I meet. Not anymore. 

BYE BITCH 

Coldest regards,

NLD