Sober on Election Day for Fuck's Sake

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 I'm on day 11 of sobriety. The longest I've went in 2020 without drinking. 

Oh, and it's Election Day. I'm glad I'm not drinking. Drinking me would:

1. Have arrived home from work, not cleaned, not exercised and began guzzling because everyone else I know is "drinking about it." That "it" being- the fact that our country is a monstrous mess and jokes about a coming civil war are being lightly thrown around which I quite frankly find- not fucking funny.

2. On my second hard seltzer or glass of wine I would have felt properly loosened up and cracked my knuckles before diving into the dreaded social-media sphere. Potentially looking for arguments but mostly writing embarrassingly preachy thoughts openly as though myself (a completely alcohol-dependent mother) would have supreme wisdom to offer my friends on facebook. 

3. I would be pretty drunk about right now. And then tomorrow- I would feel like shit and start working on a to-do list of things I need to change about myself and my approach towards life. I would inevitably feel wildly anxious tomorrow and feel on the verge of an emotional break-down. 

I feel better, more clear. But I am still struggling in certain ways. I am struggling with the fact that I have to face who I truly am, figure out an actual fine-tuned approach to what I want to achieve in life and start working towards my goals. Talking and writing about these things are easy- actually gunning up and doing them? Not so much. 

But, I've already taken the first step which a month ago I thought was nearly impossible. That's seriously something. 

It's hard to deal with life's unpredicted (or predicted and scheduled) stressors without booze. It was my go-to. It was my anti-anxiety elixir. Now, I still smoke when I am at home and SO is in bed- but that will be my next mountain to climb. For now I'm nursing myself "back to health" and gently letting myself into my newfound sober journey. One thing at a time.

I've lost some weight. My skin looks clearer. I'm able to function more and although this weekend I dealt with some anxiety it was much better than if I had been drinking. Honestly Saturday, with the doom and gloom I felt, I might have taken upon myself to dip my toe into the day-drinking labyrinth. Grateful I did not in fact do that- I slept A LOT and had no motivation, but I still accomplished things. I cooked a nice pasta dinner and I cuddled with SO until late. Halloween was dull in comparison to my ideal Halloween (for Stella and our family). My parents didn't get to see Stella or I, or her perfect little costume (a pink kitty) that I purchased on Amazon hopefully two months ago. But we made the most of it and she spent time with her Hemmelgarn grandparents, watched spooky shows and had her first Kit-Kat. 

I realize that I need to be easier on myself to become truly resilient. Resiliency and strength are my two focuses right now. 

Although I'd like to write a novel- in honor of resiliency and strength- I will acknowledge that I need to let myself rest. Space out, eat a sandwich and some chips and watch something funny. 

XO

NLD


Comments

  1. SobrieTDecember 3, 2020 at 2:00 PM

    Election week was my last week of drinking. I had planned to take just the month of November (after the election) off, but I think I'm done with alcohol. I'm impressed with everyone who was able to stay sober during election week! Congratulations on your success! I have read through a handful of your posts. I think one said that you are 28. I wish I would have had the confidence and courage to quit at 28! It's never too late of course, and I'm happy to be doing it at 38. Rooting for you!

    ReplyDelete

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