Wait. You Mean Me- Fucking Meditating?

 So meditation practice is something I have only just dipped my toe in. I've started a couple books- one on audible that I half listen to while I'm driving and another that I've only got in a few pages total but seems promising. I've dipped my toe in previously so I have little experience but enough to know that it gives you a kind of high afterwards (heh, addict me looking for a high). 

So I'm determined to make this work for me and to practice this daily so not only do I feel less anxious and react to life better; but so I can actually change the structure of my brain and get rid of all of that grey brain matter that has been created by years of alcohol use and debilitating bad habits. You know, like panicking for no reason or screaming at M out of impulse.

Last night I had a serious talk with M on the verge of sleep and it didn't go well of course. I tried to express to him how hopeless and sad I felt in our relationship and then when no response came from him I resorted to threatening him and letting him know I felt like leaving him. Now, it is all well and good to communicate your feelings with a partner but when you're making him feel bad and hopeless don't expect a good reaction. 

He left the room and I then decided to, well, meditate.

A friend told me he pictures himself as a stone at the bottom of a river- letting emotions and feelings drift swiftly above him while he observes with empathy. And I have to tell you, I tried this, and it worked. I was just laying in the dark after letting out a few tears and I decided to focus on my breathing and envision myself as a little black pebble at the bottom of this river.

I don't know how many minutes passed but I didn't want to stop and I almost fell asleep. My body felt lighter- almost like it was floating. I invited M back to bed and we're ok. He came in and cuddled me this morning. Meditating scientifically works. So I'm going to keep on practicing and keep you updated.

Xoxo

NLD