CBT Practices Week One

I am currently working on a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 7-week workbook and I'm hoping it will give me some insight as to how to become a more self-loving and empathetic person who suffers from less depression and anxiety. 

The workbook had me write down a list of specific goals that I would like to achieve during and after the seven weeks up. These goals are based off of my responses to specific questions regarding my thoughts and feelings about specific categories in life. I've found these questions interesting because of the relationships of my answers to our current pandemic situation- which obviously wasn't a thing when the book was published. In other words, anxiety and depression are to be expected now, no?

Relationships

My family has been thoroughly disconnected because of Covid-19. I long to go to my parents house with SO and go shopping with my mom and SO. I wish my parents and my grandma could be more physically present in her life and my own. So much. We spent her first birthday alone. My dad is especially a tough subject because he is the one who is most threatened by this disease- it could easily kill him. I feel very torn, sad, and even guilty that he can't hug and love on SO. My mom and I still have a close relationship despite the distance and talk to each other daily.

M and I are not doing well. We don't talk to each other and when we do it's mostly me getting on him for something big or small or for not paying the bills. (Our power was shut off two weeks ago). I feel more and more distant and I find myself questioning our relationship daily. We are constantly financially stressed. I feel like I am pulling all of the mental weight and we have absolutely no sex life. For once, I don't even desire it. We "deal" with each other. Most nights he sleeps on the couch. I still love him and he still loves me- but things are different now. 

These relationships effect my anxiety and depression immensely. i constantly feel like I am not doing enough and I am a bad partner, daughter and mother. I always crave alone time. Anxiety and depression reactions: avoidance, anger, irritability, apathy, introversion and poor self-care.

Friendships

I don't have much to say on this front. My friendships are scarce (because of Covid-19)- the contact and the meet-ups that is. It was slightly better when it was warmer, unlike everyone else who hung out safely and socially distanced outside, I didn't make effort to try to do these things. I actually avoided them. When I was present though I found myself feeling fulfilled and better mentally. Brittney, Nina, and Marlena are the people who I have had the most contact with, aside from my boss who I consider a close friend. My anxiety and depression has kept me from texting back, staying in contact, doing nice things, or socially distanced hanging out. I feel the most "friendless" that I ever have in my entire life- aside from maybe my senior year of high school.

Education + Career 

Does it make sense that I do not love my job but I still look forward to going? I think this is only because it is the only way for me to have fellow human contact outside of my home. It also gives me a reason to "dress up" or get ready and feel good about myself. 

Financially I do not make nearly enough to be comfortable or to save. I need to make at least five more dollars on the hour than I do now. I certainly don't get paid enough for all that I do for my workplace and the skillset I have. My boss acknowledges this but also says her hands are tied with my pay and what she can do with my position. 

I never leave work feeling like I've accomplished everything I needed to that day and I never leave with a full satisfaction of a job well done due to the chaos and drama that has consistently been going on there since I started. There is constant negative energy and a lot of it comes from my boss- who I love dearly but who can be a source of anxiety when she confides in me. Most of the satisfaction I receive and fulfillment is from my boss- who gives me the utmost respect- probably the most out of anyone in the practice despite the fact that I am "front desk." People treat me like the manager (or assistant) but i do not get paid as such.

I feel like my hands are tied, I am over-taxed and underpaid- but the acknowledgement and perks keep me there. Plus, great health insurance. 

Faith / Meaning / Expectation 

Writing and meaningful conversations with other human beings move me as well as being an artist and a mother. My sense of purpose is rooted in making people laugh, making people feel comforted, and connecting and inspiring others through words. I currently have a hard time finding my purpose in life and feel like I'm pulled in 100 different directions all at once.

I don't experience nearly enough beauty in life aside from watching SO grow and loving on her. I would like to be in nature more often and I would like to travel more. I have a clear sense of connection to who is important to me but not exactly and specifically what makes me tick. 

Accomplishing greatness, being kind, helping others, capturing beauty, conveying beauty, feeling loved, feeling recognition, creativity, aesthetics, health.

Physical Health

I don't (that I know of) deal with any sort of chronic health issues- however I am constantly consumed by my physical health and paranoia that I am not healthy or something is wrong. My relationship with my body has never been ideal- I've had an eating disorder, I smoke, I was up until recently dependent upon alcohol to cope, I've done various drugs in my past, I consume caffeine and my prescription to ADD medication isn't necessarily healthy.

My biggest concern now is my eating habits and my smoking. I want to learn how to feed myself properly. I want to quit smoking. 

My relationship with my body is a work in progress but is much better now than it has been in a long time.

Physical Activity 

I currently exercise at least 30 minutes daily. Exercise has been a source of strength for me and I use it to stay mentally okay and to feel more control of my health and my future. 

Walking with friends or walking with Stella outside doesn't feel like exercise to me. 

I would like to add more of a variety to my exercise routine. I use just a stationary bike right now but I'd like to get back into running again. I'd like to get a better full-body workout and work on toning as well as trying yoga.

Drugs and Alcohol 

I have an undeniably addictive behavior- I always have since I can remember. I was first dependent on food as a young child, then an eating disorder, then weed, then cigarettes, then booze and cocaine. I have obviously recently made the decision to become sober- I have been booze-free for a month, but I would like to fully give up cigarettes as well. 

Giving up booze wasn't as excruciating as I anticipated but I am fully aware that the overwhelming urge can come back at my weakest moments. This is why I'm learning to practice mindfulness and self care in order to keep myself from straying back to that path. I am currently prescribed Adderall and I am worried that this could potentially become a dependency (clinically it is) and I would like to figure out a way to approach weaning myself off of Adderall. It genuinely helps but I am afraid of relying on any substance.

Food

I have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember. It began with over-eating as a child and being made fun of for being "fat." Then it turned into a pre-teen spiral into anorexia and I have battled both issues alternately into adulthood. I binge-eat at night and deprive myself during the day because I have to be half-conscious to fully feed myself.

I am constantly trying to lose weight- even towards the end of my pregnancy. 

My eating disorder is an addiction. 

I want to learn how to feed myself properly without worry and to feed myself like a normal human- for my sake and SO's. For her. I want her to look at herself and see how beautiful she is. 

Sleep

I do not sleep well and I eat during my sleep. I sometimes wake up four times a night. I have to take Benadryl, melatonin, or muscle relaxers in order to actually fall asleep. I sometimes wake up at 2, 3, or 4 in the morning and then fall asleep and wake up late for my alarm. I thought drinking was the culprit- it turns out there are other lifestyle choices that keep me from sleeping well.

Mitchell's snoring and CPAP bothers me, I use way too much screen time before bed, I take my medicine late in the day, our cats are irritating as fuck, and I oftentimes wake up to check the locks on our doors since we don't have an alarm system. 

Recreation / Relaxation

I'm constantly "on." I don't feel like I ever really let myself relax because I always feel this nagging urge to constantly be productive. My hobbies (art/writing/reading) feel like a second job because of the immense pressure I put on myself to do everything perfectly. I fritter away my free time on social media, smoking, comparing myself to others, and fretting about what I need to improve about myself.

My anxiety consistently makes me feel like I don't deserve to relax. The last time I felt relaxed was when Stella and I were laying in bed in the morning or before bed or while watching TV with her and eating snacks. I also felt relaxed when I was reading for enjoyment (fictional novels).

Domestic Responsibilities 

This is a huge issue for me because I feel like I run our household- completely. It's all on me- making sure the bills are paid, groceries, cleaning, making sure SO eats healthy meals and is dressed in clean clothes (and that her bedsheets are clean). Doctor's appointments, SO health and M's, planning for SO's future, saving money- everything a mother and father needs to do together, I do it myself. 

M does yard work, runs errands outside of the house, cleans when I ask him to (sometimes) and is a wonderful father- He just doesn't help me in the areas that I personally need and we do not function as a team AT ALL. We are totally on two separate pages and I end up constantly nagging and criticizing. 

Other Issues

I have major health anxiety for myself and my loved ones that turns into a full-on dysfunctional panic that can stretch from hours to days. I have a spending issue and my credit score has taken a huge hit. I want to quit smoking but I feel I need to still maintain some sort of "vice" or I might completely back-peddle. I want to save money. I want to have a relationship that SO can grow up seeing that is healthy, loving and empathetic. I don't want to split with Mitchell.