i'll show myself out, thanks

 Not a surprising update to share that we spent the day at home. This whole year and all of it's holidays, birthdays, and other big moments have been spent within our little home. I'm not upset about it by any means- in fact I'd be worried when things ever go back to "normal" I'll beg to stay home like we did during the quarantine of 2020. I truly enjoy being here and going through the motions. A part of me does want to scream because of the monotony and cyclical groundhogs day nature of it all but that's why I enjoy leaving my house to work throughout the week most weeks. M and S picked up a Thanksgiving meal from his grandma and grandpa's. S, M and I all ate a lunch together and she got to have all of the turkey and trimmings. I was just fine with it- more than fine quite frankly. S missed out on her nap (we slept in again today, I have to stop doing that) and was uncharacteristically fussy for our family zoom meeting with my mom, aunt and brother/si...

 So meditation practice is something I have only just dipped my toe in. I've started a couple books- one on audible that I half listen to while I'm driving and another that I've only got in a few pages total but seems promising. I've dipped my toe in previously so I have little experience but enough to know that it gives you a kind of high afterwards (heh, addict me looking for a high).  So I'm determined to make this work for me and to practice this daily so not only do I feel less anxious and react to life better; but so I can actually change the structure of my brain and get rid of all of that grey brain matter that has been created by years of alcohol use and debilitating bad habits. You know, like panicking for no reason or screaming at M out of impulse. Last night I had a serious talk with M on the verge of sleep and it didn't go well of course. I tried to express to him how hopeless and sad I felt in our relationship and then when no response came from hi...

These goals I hope to accomplish in small increments and I hope to look back a year from now and feel like I have achieved some or all of these goals. Feel less anxious and depressed. Improve my relationship with M and feel in love again. Strengthen friendships + dedicate more time to maintaining them. Strengthen family relationships + dedicate more time reaching out to family. Find a more financially sound and rewarding job. Spend more time outside of the house both by myself and with my family- especially in nature. Adopt better eating habits and stop sleep-eating. Adopt a better sleep routine and get quality sleep. Meditate daily. Learn how to relax and be kinder to myself. Even out domestic responsibilities. Save money and learn how to budget better.

I am currently working on a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 7-week workbook and I'm hoping it will give me some insight as to how to become a more self-loving and empathetic person who suffers from less depression and anxiety.  The workbook had me write down a list of specific goals that I would like to achieve during and after the seven weeks up. These goals are based off of my responses to specific questions regarding my thoughts and feelings about specific categories in life. I've found these questions interesting because of the relationships of my answers to our current pandemic situation- which obviously wasn't a thing when the book was published. In other words, anxiety and depression are to be expected now, no? Relationships My family has been thoroughly disconnected because of Covid-19. I long to go to my parents house with SO and go shopping with my mom and SO. I wish my parents and my grandma could be more physically present in her life and my own. So much. We spent...

 Well, almost. Close enough that it counts. On Wednesday I will be 30 days without booze and I'm honestly shocked I am even typing this.  I didn't think this would happen- at least I didn't think it would happen this young, or without a dire reason. A reason like, for example, a team of doctors standing over me while one addresses me- "Ms. Smith, we are sorry to have to give you this news. But if a drop of alcohol ever touches your lips again- you will self-implode." Benefits: I think better. I don't feel the need to rush SO to bed. I have clearer skin and I feel more confident and pretty. I have been exponentially more productive at work, at home, and in articulating my goals. I spend less time on social media. I spend more time at night taking care of myself and my skincare. I'm less exhausted in the morning. I sleep better and I'm learning to love sleep. I read more. Today I went to get a COVID test because Stella has had a fever for three days- my...

 Ok, so I'm on 16 (basically 17) days sober now. Over halfway through a whole month of no drinking. I'm extremely proud of myself and also extremely driven to better myself in all areas that need improvement (it's a lot).  Villanelle has been pestering me frequently at night time now- mostly because I've felt extremely agitated lately, with Mitchell, with myself. I've also felt so indescribably exhausted  constantly on my days off. I accidentally slept in today? Villanelle keeps nagging saying "see? Going sober didn't even improve anything about your life- instead it just made you more tired ." I also have been eating lots of sugar at night (I knew this was coming because this happened to me the last time I stopped drinking for an extended period of time- which was four years ago or more). Granted its extremely low-cal pints of "ice cream" but still- my diet isn't making me feel wonderful about myself lately. Now that I'm sober I see ...