i'll show myself out, thanks

Day 13 sober.  I think right now I’ll name the nagging self-destructive voice in my head. When she comes into my head she first shows me pictures, mental pictures of why I’m not worth it. Here are some examples: An image of me staring at myself naked in the mirror- stretch marks, sagging belly, freshly picked at skin. She says “you’re not worth a good life and you’ll never be anything you want to, see? just drink about it- getting wasted or doing drugs is an escape from your truly terrible reality you poor thing. You deserve this it’s all you’ve got. You’re repulsive. An image of me shuffling around campus, buying cigarettes instead of going to class- reeling off of a drug hangover. Feeling and acting like a massive failure. Obsessing over a boy who doesn’t care about me much. “This is you. This will always be you- all of your accomplishments are fake. You are this failure in the end- this is really who you are.” She tells me everything I say is stupid, over reve...

 I'm on day 11 of sobriety. The longest I've went in 2020 without drinking.  Oh, and it's Election Day. I'm glad I'm not drinking. Drinking me would: 1. Have arrived home from work, not cleaned, not exercised and began guzzling because everyone else I know is "drinking about it." That "it" being- the fact that our country is a monstrous mess and jokes about a coming civil war are being lightly thrown around which I quite frankly find- not fucking funny. 2. On my second hard seltzer or glass of wine I would have felt properly loosened up and cracked my knuckles before diving into the dreaded social-media sphere. Potentially looking for arguments but mostly writing embarrassingly preachy thoughts openly as though myself (a completely alcohol-dependent mother) would have supreme wisdom to offer my friends on facebook.  3. I would be pretty drunk about right now. And then tomorrow- I would feel like shit and start working on a to-do list of things I ...

Interestingly enough, I’ve thought this exact concept on my own- and very recently. When Clare Pooley writes about the strategy (a very effective one) of invisioning the purest innocent child-you and invisioning what you want for her.  As I’ve said, I’ve done this recently. What triggered this thought process in me was watching a video recorded on an over-sized camcorder in July of 1993 that my dad sent me not long ago along with another one of me dancing with cat ears on.  Firstly, I was extremely cute. Like undeniably cute. Perfect bangs (ahem, which I still maintain) and little ringlets that laid bouncing around my baby neck. I was on the skinny side for a tiny tot but still round enough and yes I’m going to say this: incredibly smart.  The video pictures me sitting in the middle of my parents bed holding a book on birds (a bird watching guide) and funnily enough I remember this book. I remember that the pages were glossy and thick and the illustrations were quite gorg...

  I worked at the hospital today and it was a good day. I spent much needed time with my mom on lunch and made her laugh until she cried from laughing a handful of times- which felt really good. And she was pampered with a lash lift and tint. It was a really good day actually because of the time with my mom and the interactions I had with everyone at the other location. It's funny how you can adopt such a twisted view of someone from a distance and start thinking vicious things about them when in all reality- you're just the same and they're good people. It was refreshing and good for my soul. While I was in my car in the parking lot of the hospital I called M and had him keep Sweet One awake in time for me to see her before bedtime. I'm elated that I did see her. Her sweet little body ran to me as soon as I came in the back door and when I bent down to hug her she gave me her slow moving sincere embrace around my neck. This hug turned into me scooping her up and laying...

1. This is newly discovered: my RHR has ALREADY lowered. I am currently working out and when I strapped on my HR monitor and laid down to check my resting pulse it was at 70. It usually sits at around 85 when I’m, um- not sober. 2. I have regained focus on the things I am striving to achieve in my life. A few of these being- health, weight loss, budgeting, school and over-all stellar work ethic. 3. I am able to process situations and triggers for anxiety and think them through. Think about what is in my scope of control, what I can do about it, how I can deal with these feelings in the future.  4. I feel more attractive. I’m drinking more water and I am much more in tune with my body instead of ignoring its needs I’m honoring them. 5. I have got better sleep than I have in quite some time and I look FORWARD to sleeping. I also don’t sleep eat as often and I’m eating healthier.

To be completely honest- I feel pretty good. Not just “pretty good” but I feel a bit like I’m being roused from a deep and restless slumber. It’s almost like life is shifting back into focus and the edges aren’t so blurred. It’s more of a vignette view now- not necessarily rose-tinted but it’s getting there.  I’ve always subscribed myself to the melodramatic, nihilistic, self-torturing artist type persona. And yes, that is a PART of who I am, but I continuously surprise myself as each year passes and I fully grow into the person I’m meant to be. I’ve realized within the past couple of years (really since I was pregnant with Sweet One) that I’m not as dark-hearted and misty as I once was. There’s a difference between an aesthetic and a soul- a major difference, how can I subscribe myself to a personality I thought was “edgy” over a decade ago? Positivity is the new aesthetic for me. Resilience, adaptability, self-confidence, bravery, humor and drive. Sweet one in the nucleus of thes...

This was an assignment given to me by my Applied Leadership course and I thought it would be helpful to put into my blog for personal reference. I'll definitely forget it if I just leave it in it's place on Canvas. Initial Goal #1: Develop an effective personal budget and stick to it. 1.  Specific (What do you want to accomplish? Who needs to be included? When do you want to do this? Why is this a goal?)  I want to be able to build my savings each month without taking away from it and stop living close to a "paycheck to paycheck" lifestyle. My fiance will be directly involved in achieving this goal. I want to do this because I want to eventually sell our home and save enough to where we could buy a larger home with more land. I would also like to be able to trade in my car soon for an SUV a little larger and more eco-friendly. This goal is important to me because this is a skill I need to achieve not just for my two short-term goals but for life-long advancement and s...