i'll show myself out, thanks

Interestingly enough, I’ve thought this exact concept on my own- and very recently. When Clare Pooley writes about the strategy (a very effective one) of invisioning the purest innocent child-you and invisioning what you want for her.  As I’ve said, I’ve done this recently. What triggered this thought process in me was watching a video recorded on an over-sized camcorder in July of 1993 that my dad sent me not long ago along with another one of me dancing with cat ears on.  Firstly, I was extremely cute. Like undeniably cute. Perfect bangs (ahem, which I still maintain) and little ringlets that laid bouncing around my baby neck. I was on the skinny side for a tiny tot but still round enough and yes I’m going to say this: incredibly smart.  The video pictures me sitting in the middle of my parents bed holding a book on birds (a bird watching guide) and funnily enough I remember this book. I remember that the pages were glossy and thick and the illustrations were quite gorg...

  I worked at the hospital today and it was a good day. I spent much needed time with my mom on lunch and made her laugh until she cried from laughing a handful of times- which felt really good. And she was pampered with a lash lift and tint. It was a really good day actually because of the time with my mom and the interactions I had with everyone at the other location. It's funny how you can adopt such a twisted view of someone from a distance and start thinking vicious things about them when in all reality- you're just the same and they're good people. It was refreshing and good for my soul. While I was in my car in the parking lot of the hospital I called M and had him keep Sweet One awake in time for me to see her before bedtime. I'm elated that I did see her. Her sweet little body ran to me as soon as I came in the back door and when I bent down to hug her she gave me her slow moving sincere embrace around my neck. This hug turned into me scooping her up and laying...

1. This is newly discovered: my RHR has ALREADY lowered. I am currently working out and when I strapped on my HR monitor and laid down to check my resting pulse it was at 70. It usually sits at around 85 when I’m, um- not sober. 2. I have regained focus on the things I am striving to achieve in my life. A few of these being- health, weight loss, budgeting, school and over-all stellar work ethic. 3. I am able to process situations and triggers for anxiety and think them through. Think about what is in my scope of control, what I can do about it, how I can deal with these feelings in the future.  4. I feel more attractive. I’m drinking more water and I am much more in tune with my body instead of ignoring its needs I’m honoring them. 5. I have got better sleep than I have in quite some time and I look FORWARD to sleeping. I also don’t sleep eat as often and I’m eating healthier.

To be completely honest- I feel pretty good. Not just “pretty good” but I feel a bit like I’m being roused from a deep and restless slumber. It’s almost like life is shifting back into focus and the edges aren’t so blurred. It’s more of a vignette view now- not necessarily rose-tinted but it’s getting there.  I’ve always subscribed myself to the melodramatic, nihilistic, self-torturing artist type persona. And yes, that is a PART of who I am, but I continuously surprise myself as each year passes and I fully grow into the person I’m meant to be. I’ve realized within the past couple of years (really since I was pregnant with Sweet One) that I’m not as dark-hearted and misty as I once was. There’s a difference between an aesthetic and a soul- a major difference, how can I subscribe myself to a personality I thought was “edgy” over a decade ago? Positivity is the new aesthetic for me. Resilience, adaptability, self-confidence, bravery, humor and drive. Sweet one in the nucleus of thes...

This was an assignment given to me by my Applied Leadership course and I thought it would be helpful to put into my blog for personal reference. I'll definitely forget it if I just leave it in it's place on Canvas. Initial Goal #1: Develop an effective personal budget and stick to it. 1.  Specific (What do you want to accomplish? Who needs to be included? When do you want to do this? Why is this a goal?)  I want to be able to build my savings each month without taking away from it and stop living close to a "paycheck to paycheck" lifestyle. My fiance will be directly involved in achieving this goal. I want to do this because I want to eventually sell our home and save enough to where we could buy a larger home with more land. I would also like to be able to trade in my car soon for an SUV a little larger and more eco-friendly. This goal is important to me because this is a skill I need to achieve not just for my two short-term goals but for life-long advancement and s...

     I haven't quite cracked the case- I won't give myself that credit nor dust off my hands and shout "Ok! I've figured out all of my problems. Now I can fix all of them by the beginning of the new year. But I'm starting to understand the majority of my anxieties are caused by an obsessive comfort in having control.  Control of my life, my health, my loved ones' health and the obsession with the lack of control of situations such as climate change, conflicts with Iran and our current Chief of Office.      For instance- our cat Lou (who is impeccably irritating, much like his brother) just squirted shit on me. I'm not even joking. This isn't an exaggeration. In the midst of me typing this up he rolled his overly large body into a position that covered a portion of my keyboard. The thing is, he is not allowed on my bed. Mostly because of the hair, partially because I hate the sound of a cat licking it's asshole, and also I don't like being stared...

            Yesterday was my first day sober in months .     Believe it or not- I didn't fight some seemingly-impossible internal battle with my demons last night to not crack open a drink. Firstly, there wasn't anything in my refrigerator besides M's horrifically sugary "hard lemonade"-which I didn't bat an eyelid at oddly enough. I ate dinner, took melatonin, then snuggled in our bed after re-arranging our bedroom a bit. It also probably helped that our bedroom is actually turning into a room I enjoy and thus doesn't cause anxiety (in other words, a strong urge to guzzle booze).       I've been little by little working at our bedroom in order for it to become more aesthetically pleasing and cozy- it's such a small space so I've been trying to create the "illusion" of more space. It is a task, only truly a task that would be made more possible if we demolished the entire back end of our house and hired a construction crew...

       I am about to leave to go pick up sweet girl but I have to mention how out of control I feel. I feel angry at M I feel angry because I can't smoke a cigarette. I feel upset about my physical symptoms and wish I had more answers.      I feel out of control and control brings me comfort. Good thing I'm starting to control my drinking habits beginning tonight. I'll just have to get through the evening cravings, fall asleep and tomorrow will be a better Sunday than I've had in quite some time.      Keep moving forward. Keep focused. Keep control.     Until tonight,     NLD

     It's 9:38 PM. I've worked out. Turkey bacon is in the oven and I'm going to make the usual egg sandwich with Sirrhacha mayonnaise x2 before I actually settle down for the night. It took a lot out of me to get on the stationary bike, but it helped to read Clare Pooley's The Sober Diaries while peddling away. Time doesn't go by any faster than when I'm working on a piece of art or I am reading. I burned 350 calories, not bad for not even wanting to exercise in the least bit tonight.     I bought some acrylic paint pens that I shouldn't have off of Amazon in order to be able to wip up some quick artwork to display at my friend's new coffee shop that is supposed to open in the next coming week. It would be nice to sell some art and feel accomplished. I need to work much faster but I get so caught up in each piece, I need to learn how to loosen my grip just a bit. In everything really.     I made myself tidy up the house (truly it wasn't even cleanin...

      I'm at work. I'm always trying to organize and reorganize which actually creates chaos and gives me more to organize. My planner is an obsession- I write and stare at the things I need to do so often that it's almost like I expect these things to suddenly become accomplished because after all, I am spending time on them.     I'm trying to drink tons of water and it's not working. I drank two Whiteclaws last night and ate WAY too much- a product of yesterday's anxiety I believe wholeheartedly. Here comes the never ending game- wake up, try to counteract until I'm ragged, and then give in again.

     Well, today only truly started to go badly at the end of the day.       I drank caffeine (an expensive drink from Starbucks that I shouldn't have bought) and took Excedrin Migraine. All of this on top of my medication- I did this intentionally because I felt so physically and mentally exhausted. I never drink caffeine anymore because I always knew it would make me feel this way- paired with my ADD medication. My day was going just ok, I mean, my workplace is always stressful and not worth mentioning in detail at this moment in time. That's not why I'm here. But I found myself talking to my favorite co-worker again and let my mouth run on and on and talk and talk AT her so much so that I feel repulsive.     Not only because of my poor conversational manners (which normally I am fully conscious of unless I'm drinking or anxious as fuck) but because I was giving her personal insight  into my real self .      I don't like...

This day is deemed as "A Typical Not-So-Typical Day" simply because I am on my second freakishly-large Whiteclaw (somehow my sweet M was able to find this super-sized version, most likely so he didn't have to pick up a case so frequently throughout the week) and briefly thought about not drinking tonight, but decided against it because, well, this day isn't supposed to be different. That's tomorrow's job, right? This is nice. This is something I could get used to, something I would actually update and look forward to updating each day. I love my Moleskin journal, the pages, using a pen and hand-writing but honestly? My hand cramps up. And I'm only good for two pages until I decide- "well ok, time to wrap this up, you actually don't have as many feelings to confront head-on as you thought you did (according to your hand) we'll write another day, ok?" Right now I'm currently thinking too deeply about the title I chose (too wordy and doe...